Rules for dating my daughter

1. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes off my daughter’s body, I will remove them from your head.

2. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear hanging out and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes, do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your hips, buttocks and legs.

3. Convention dictates that in order to us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back in my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early”.

4. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This if fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry- I will make you cry.

5. If you stand here in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sit and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie- you should not be dating. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

6. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are no parents, policemen or clergy within eyesight: places where there is darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough that it is not necessary for my daughters clothing to cover every inch of her body from her chin down. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual them are to be avoided- no exceptions. Movies with a “G” rating are okay, hockey games are okay (that “covered from the chin down thing”). Visiting old folk’s homes or attending the church skating party are better.

7. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle aged dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless ruler of your world. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five wooded acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

8. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I will have my weapon cleaned, locked and loaded as I wait in the darkness for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Shout the perimeter password, announce in a clear and loud voice that you have brought my daughter home safely- and early- and then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine… and the little red dot on your forehead will go away as soon as you do.