My interview with Mike McCarthy

Below is my "mock" interview with Packers HC Mike, McCarthy (and some, ok a lot, of help from Monty Python).

CC: 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(The coach has his back to the register and does not respond.)
CC : 'Ello, Miss?
Mr. McCarthy : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
CC : I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(The coach nods, understanding.)
CC : I wish to make a complaint!
Mr. McCarthy: (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
CC : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this defense, what I have been watching not more than the beginning of my life.
Mr. McCarthy: Oh yes, the, ah, the Green Bay Packers defense... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with them?
CC: I'll tell you what's wrong with them, my lad. They’re terrible, that's what's wrong with them.
Mr. McCarthy: No, no, they’re ah... they’re resting for the playoffs.
CC: Look, matey, I know a terrible defense when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Mr. McCarthy: No no, they’re not terrible, they’re, they’re restin'!
CC: Restin'?
Mr. McCarthy: Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable team, the Green Bay Packers, aren’t they, eh? Beautiful stadium!
CC: The stadium don't enter into it. They’re terrible!
Mr. McCarthy: Nononono, no, no! They’re resting!
CC: All right then, if they're resting, I'll wake them up!
(shouting at the locker room)
'Ello, Sanders! Mister Bob Sanders! I've got a lovely fresh Lombardi Trophy for you if you wake up, Mr. Sanders...
(coach hits DC, Bob Sanders)
Mr. McCarthy: There, he moved!
CC: No, he didn't, that was you pushing him!
Mr. McCarthy: I never!!
CC: Yes, you did!
Mr. McCarthy: I never, never....
(CC pulls Bob Sanders off the bench and screams into his ear.)
CC: 'ELLO Bobby! Bob-EE! Bobby Sanders! WAKE UP!
(He bangs Bob’s head against the locker, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
BOB-EEEEEEE!
(He shows footage of the past several games where receivers are running free and running backs meet no resistance)
Now that is what I call a bad coordinator.
Mr. McCarthy: No, no.... No, he's stunned.
CC: STUNNED?
Mr. McCarthy: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Bob Sanders stuns easily, major.
CC: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That coordinator is definitely terrible, and when I bought into his hiring not 4 months ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired and shagged out after a long speech.
Mr. McCarthy: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for Jim Bates.
(CC looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
CC: PININ' for JIM BATES? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his ass the moment he got on the field?
Mr. McCarthy: Bob Sanders prefers fallin’ on his ass! Remarkable team, aren’t they, guv, eh? Beautiful stadium!
CC: (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that coordinator when I got it home, and I discovered that he is extraordinarily terrible.
(pause)
Mr. McCarthy: He’s not terrible! If he had been terrible, I wouldn’t have hired him, you just wait, his scheme will work and the defense will go VOOM!
CC: "VOOM?" Look matey, this defense wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! He's bleedin' terrible!
Mr. McCarthy: He's not! He's pining!
CC: He's not pinin,' he should be passed on! This coordinator should be no more! It has ceased to be anything resembling a defensive coordinator! His time is expired and should be gone! He's a stiff! Bereft of talent, he should be unemployed! If you hadn't hired him to be the coordinator he would be filing books in the local library! His cerebral processes are history! This should be.... an EX-Coordinator!

At this point I was attacked by security but was able to elude them as they could not get near me or tackle me as Bob Sanders is apparently in charge of them as well.