Life is too short to eat fat-free cheese
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Poe was a Packer Fan
If Edgar Allen Poe was alive today, he would most assuredly be a Packer fan. So, here is what his poem "The Raven" would likely look like had he written it this week. Enjoy!
Once upon a Thursday evening, while I sat with the fish I was cleaning
That I had caught on the ice not more than three hours before
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of some NFL team rapping, rapping at my stadium door
“Tis some dumb-ass Viking fan” I muttered –
“only this and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December
And as the Vikings fell on their ass then as they have always before
Eagerly I wished the kickoff; - As these “fans” began to piss off
Piss me off even more – So much I hoped we would run up the score
It is time for the man who has beaten them time and time before –
Time to bring out number Four.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Look dumbass, your team and offense is a bore.”
“Your receivers are all lacking, and your losses are all stacking
Your team unity is simply cracking – your offense cannot even score.”
“Your coach is a moron” this I stated many times before –
“only this and nothing more”
And the purple painted loser, wobbling like some drunken boozer
Thrilled me filling him with fantastic terrors never felt before;
For he cannot help agreeing that no living Viking being
Could survive without fleeing – Fleeing from the number Four
Sharper, Williams, Childress, Johnson or even Mewelde Moore;
Not even their mascot, Pauly Shore.
The scrawny Vikes fan stood shaking, in his stupid Helga hat quaking
Teared up eyes begging that the truth he hear no more
But the thought of cold Lambeau, either with or without snow
A place where no Viking really wanted to go – A place of hallowed lore
With quivering lip full of fear, nay dread of the final score –
He peed himself upon the floor.
Holy crap ... I'm speechless. This is an affront to all that is decent and respectable. Pauly Shore?!?!? The guantlet has been dropped. A bet must be made! All that is cheese must be put into its place!
What are your terms good sir? Whatever they are, I will revel in finally putting you in your place! It is time to put number 4 on his butt!
So Shane, you wish to enter into the betting realm with me once more do you? Very well, O deluded neighbor of mine, I accept.
The wager is this: Should the Packers win Thursday's game against the deplorable Vikings, you shall shovel the snow from my driveway one and only one time at my request.
Should the Vikings successfully be able to cheat their way to victory, I shall one and one time only shovel the snow from your driveway at your request.
Dost thou accept this wager?
I accept with the following addendum: a cheeseburger must be a part of this somehow. I must have a cheeseburger! The loser will purchase for the winner a Triple Cheese Fuddrucker's cheeseburger in addition to shoveling the driveway.
Or are you not man enough?
YOU, questioning MY manhood? That is laughable.
Of course I accept your addendum, as long as fries are included as well.
I look forward to my continued betting domination over you.
Let's look at the facts:
Me -- 3 kids
You -- 2 kids
Me -- Shovel
You -- Snowblower
Me -- 6' 5"
You -- 6' 4"
Me -- Eat a full Chipotle burrito
You -- Barely can choke down half
I could go on and on. The facts speak for themselves. You are lucky I let you stand in the shadow of my glory.
The fries have been added. Let's thrown in a coke too, or do you prefer some Evian spring water for your delicate stomach?
Facts on manhood you say?
You -- Wine coolers
Me -- Beer
You -- Sun dress
Me -- Flannel shirt and jeans
You -- Have kids mow your lawn as you hate getting sweaty and "icky" as you call it.
Me -- Do it myself as that is what men do.
You -- Cowardly quit the Backyard Border Battle due to fear of losing.
Me -- Proudly standing as the champ from a head to head battle with you, proving who is the better man.
You want to get into a burrito eating contest, bring it Sally.
A Coke is just fine to add into the bet. I'll make sure to bring the camera to take some pictures of me and my victory burger (again)
I think you should label this post and it's "manly" comments section NSFW.
Unfortunately Shane, I think you may be on the losing end of this bet.
What? I really can't see losing this one. The Vikings are playing a rookie who will be starting for the first time at the friendly confines of Lambeau Field in late December. What could possibly go wrong?
I can taste my cheeseburger now! Victory will be juicy and cooked to medium! Not well-done like that pansy Cheesehead Craig. He can't chance any bacteria! I'm surprised he hasn't gone the way of Howard Hughes yet. Poor guy.
Hey, I like my burgers well done! I would also mention that neither or you truly handle winter down in the "Minnesota tropics" as we do up here. Try shoveling when it's 30 below with a wind chill of 45 below. Now that separates the men from the boys.
The Oracle definitely loses points for the snow blower, but Shane loses more points for the wine coolers. Thankfully, this battle will be settled on the football field between world class athletes and not in some sort of machismo contest in your shared backyard.
Curt in Grand Forks
Curt! What about my 3 kids verses his having only 2? Surely that gives me some points, especially considering that you, like me, have 3 kids of your own? That should more than compensate for my preference for wine coolers.
Shane, just because I got my kids right the first two times more than proves my virile manhood. Quality versus quantity!! Any backwater Minnesotan who doesn't know how to use a condom can pop out three (or more)kids.
As for the snowblower, that's called intelligence, a sign of higher evolutionary achievement - it's a power tool, real men use power tools.
I gotta admit that Cheesy has Shane over a barrel with that whole wine cooler thing. Tough to come back from that.Post a Comment
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