Lord Wickethammer

The Backyard Border Battle continued on Sunday night with the fourth event of this series, Croquet. To bring a quick summary, my neighbor Shane had a taken a 2-1 lead by winning HORSE and Trivial Pursuit after losing to me in the HR Derby. Now, on to last night's latest installment of the Battle.

Shane's grass had been freshly mowed that evening and mine was cut the day prior. The field was primed for battle and the air fragerant with fresh clippings. We laid out the wickets and went over the rules. We flipped the ceremonial croquet coin to determine who went first. Shane, beating all odds, called it correctly in his favor and chose to hit first. At this point I raised my mallet to the heavens and called forth the power of the croquet gods and screamed "I am Lord Wickethammer!" Lightning came forth from the heavens in the clear sky unto my mallet. The ground shook and Shane could only stand with his mouth agape at the impressive sight before him. Shane's hands shook as he hit his first shot, missing the wicket. That was all I needed to claim victory in the first match as I jumped out of the gate quickly and decisively. My sheer presence alone made him quake with fear. During the second match his eldest son turned on him with taunts and jeers. Shane even tried to pay the boy in order to cheer for him, but his offerings of money only served to fatten his son's pockets as the taunts continued. Mercifully, I won the 2 out of 3 matchup quickly, thus tying the series at 2 games a piece.

The next event will be a gentlemanly game of chess, followed by mini-golf and Stratego. This was to have originally been a best of seven series, however, as the rules clearly state, additional events can be added to the list and 2 definately have, and 2 are pending. The 2 that have been added are bowling and bocce ball. The 2 pending are Irish Horseshoes and Dodgeball. This is not the dodgeball of the schoolyard days, oh no. Those who have attended Twins games in the Dome know that during the game a fan gets 3 chances at throwing a ball into the bed of a Dodge pick-up from the luxury box level for a chance at winning said truck, they call this game Dodgeball. We have decided that our version calls for us to climb on top of the roof of my house and attempt to bounce ping-pong balls into the open back end of my Dodge Caravan, thus our version of Dodgeball. The Irish Horseshoes game is pending me being able to borrow it from a co-worker. I will explain that should the event occur.